Several people have suggested I start a blog. I really didn’t think I had anything to say. Sure, I love to write, but only when I have something to say, and it’s usually something “big” that gets me started. Something “big” happened last week, and I’ve got something to say about it!
Probably the biggest single obstacle in my life has always been fear. I was the little girl hiding behind Mom’s skirt and refusing to speak. I was the junior-age kid with only 3 friends because I was afraid anybody else would hurt me. I was the teenager who, though older than my brother, was known as “Jerry’s sister.” I was the college student who started opening up to people, but remained convinced that I didn’t measure up to anybody else. I was the graduate who, in spite of some remaining fear, flew far away from home and found my own niche–one that lets my wonderful, supportive husband do most of the talking for me (just like I let my brother do all those years ago). I really had nothing to say!
Last week, it happened. Not the thing I’d always feared, but the thing I had never even known was possible so I couldn’t possibly have feared it! I became allergic to normal life–my favorite foods, hand lotion, my husband’s cologne, cleaning supplies, house dust–I’m stopping because the list would be way too long. Suffice it to say, this mother who loves to cook healthy, balanced meals for her family, can’t even eat fruits and veggies anymore, and this wife who thrives on keeping the house a little bit of heaven for her husband has been told to have her husband do the dusting (okay, that means we’re hiring someone to do it, because my wonderful husband is also a busy one). Add to that the fatigue that came from recent allergy attacks and the FEAR of eating, and I was feeling pretty much useless, which IS actually something I’ve always feared–being useless. But, that is not what I have to say.
I want to say that God is working in my life to replace that spirit of fear I’ve always so easily slipped into with one of power, love, and a sound mind. In fact, 2 Timothy 1:7 has become my theme for verse for this season of life: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” Couple that with my life verse, Matt. 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in Heaven”, and I can see that there is great potential for the Lord to bring glory to Himself through my life in a new way.
My wonderful husband can’t help but be victorious, since his name is Victor! And he lives victoriously, always seeing the best in a situation and expecting the best outcome possible. He certainly isn’t crippled by fear and worry, although sometimes my fear and worry may hold him back a bit. Last week, I was crippled by fear, and he kept trying to pick me up. I honestly thought my sudden food allergy, which had manifested itself in an extremely strong form, was a death sentence. I started worrying about who might help Victor rear all these sweet babies after I die, and if I had enough time left to teach them what was most important to me. All of a sudden, I didn’t care about the house or meals (I couldn’t eat anyway). All I wanted to do was to look at, touch, read to, talk with my children–between frequent rest periods I suddenly needed. In four days, I lost two pounds and became weaker than I ever had been (except, of course, immediately after delivery of each of these four precious bundles). Then I decided to ask people to pray for me, even though I hardly knew what to say. If you were one of those that lifted me up in prayer last week, THANK YOU!
Finally, here is what I really have to say: God is good. God is in control. He has a reason for everything He allows in my life, and for the first time in my life, I am determined to conquer fear. My life will no longer be characterized by fear, worry, or even shyness. God will bring victory into my life, of that I am sure. So, while I anticipate eventual victory over this turmoil we are experiencing in our lives right now, I intend to celebrate daily victories.
For starters: The day after I asked friends to pray for me, a new peace stole over me and I could finally hear the Holy Spirit bringing encouragement to my heart. Yesterday, Benjamin, almost 6 months old, took a full bottle of formula for the first time (the treatment I began the day before that necessitated sudden weaning). Today, Victor has been gone all day and I did NOT panic! Since my first attack, I haven’t wanted him out of my sight for more than a few minutes at a time, and when he has had to leave me for a few hours, I lived in a state of panic till he got back. I’m sure it helped that his sister came to help me this afternoon and is spending the night, but still, I’m rejoicing in a day of no panic and minimum worry. I’ve been singing all day, “God is good to me, God is good to me, He holds my hand, He helps me stand, God is good to me!”
Now, I’ve finally had my say.